Living Next to my Folks
I didn’t care that I lived right next door to my parents. When my LEO was working the swing shift, I stayed at my parent’s house until he got off. It was a terrible set up, really. We were newly married and I would get home from work at 4pm. After I got home I would head next door to my folks before it got dark. I would pack up Bella (our 1 of now 3 Pomeranian babies) and we would walk next door. I would sleep there so that I wasn’t alone and admittedly, afraid. My LEO would come to pick me up after work around 2am-3am. Then I would sleep in our bed until I woke up to get ready for work at 4am. Every single day.
Why am I Doing This?
Why did I do this to myself? Well, I was scared to be alone. I was petrified. My high alert kept Bella on high alert. This would result in her barking at everything and then me freaking out even more. What was I so afraid of? I think that this is parallel behavior for new wives regardless of their husband’s profession. So how did I cope?
Triggering Factors
I started to get so exhausted that I had to really analyze my fear. I begin to think about all of the triggers for my fear. What made me feel okay when it was light out? What transpired from that time until it became dark out? I want to point out that I would leave the television on for white noise whenever Bella and I were alone.
Some of my Triggering Factors
- The news. Media and a lot of social media hardly ever shows anything that gives you the warm and fuzzies these days. I realized that the news was my first negative trigger that would eventually lead to fear as night progressed
- Late night television. I found that I would start to get fearful to fall asleep alone. This would cause me to stay up later. Staying up later caused me to watch late night television shows. I love shows like Dateline and The First 48. If you are unfamiliar, the dialect of these shows can lead towards a more morose side. These shows can also make you feel particularly anxious if you have trouble being home alone
- Not hearing from my LEO. I didn’t have a structured set up to where I could hear from or receive a text from my LEO before bed. After I sent him a goodnight, if I didn’t get a reply, I would wait for one. Most times, he didn’t see it until it was much later. He didn’t text me back at all because he didn’t want to wake me up
- I focused too much fear on the ‘what if’ situations that ran through my head. I didn’t focus on the ‘what is’ in my true reality. When I began to tune this out, I was also able to focus on myself more when my LEO was working late
Change of Thought
I slowly began to gain the upper hand on my trigger factors. I began to incorporate and omit items from my nighttime routine that would ‘set me off.’ Before I knew it, I was able to sleep in my own bed all night. I did and still do this with little to no fear at all. Here are some additional ways to curb the fear.
What I Changed
- I actually stopped watching television altogether. I would only put on movies that I knew weren’t going to end and then turn into some unwanted trigger story
- My husband started to teach me some new self-defense skill-sets. When I became comfortable and acclimated on what to do and when to do it, I became more confident. When I learned how to handle my own firearm, I became even more confident
- I set up a structured time frame an hour before I went to bed when I would text my LEO goodnight. I asked him to try his best to respond in that window so that I didn’t get worried and so I could fall asleep. He was happy to comply and hasn’t missed a text
- I started to focus on myself. Instead of coming home to an empty house (apart from Bella, of course) and dreading the night, I shifted my way of thinking. Soon, I was excited to come home to an empty house because of all of the me time. Some new things that I did to occupy my time instead of worry with my time were: exercising regularly, baking, meal prep, cleaning, and working on weekend tasks during the week
Time + Change = Results
It wasn’t an overnight event for me to get over my fear of being alone. We have been married for nearly 11 years now. It took me well into year 2 or 3 before I finally decided that I was fed up with feeling so afraid.
Today, think about some of your own trigger stories. What has made you fearful of being alone? Why are you afraid of the dark in your own home? Identification of this negativity is the first step to reforming the way you view fear.
You are beautiful, you are strong, you are LEO Warriors.
